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  • Unemployed. Yeah!

    In June I left Stanford and joined Simply Hired. It was a great move for me.  I was going to be leading three teams: big data, service/ops engineering, and IT.  Two of these areas I know well, the third, big data I had some background, but I was going to need to work at getting up to speed.  It’s always great when your employer is paying you to learn, especially if it is in an interesting area. This was a great opportunity for me.

    I really liked what I saw in the company. Coworkers that were easy to work with. No bureaucracy… a huge improvement from Stanford. Several times I made suggestions about things I had no responsibility for. The response was always “Oh, that’s a good idea.  We will give that a try before the week ends.”  Simply Hired had been running for a number of years, but in many ways it was like a one year start-up.  I think this is because several months before I was hired the company’s exec staff started the process to reboot the company, improving focus and realign staff which included bring in some senior folks to help mentor and direct a fairly young team.

    When I joined Simply Hired, we hoped Libby has several more years of life.  The plan/hope was to work a couple of years, and then stop working to be with and care for Libby. Over the summer Libby’s health failed much more quickly than expected. I found myself frequently needing to dash out to check on Libby at home, trips to the doctors office, or the ER.  I found my coworkers supportive and understanding. When it was clear that we were looking at months (turned out weeks) not years, they granted me a leave of absence, even though I had been out of the office more than in, and they were very flexible about bring me back to work.  But after careful consideration, we all thought rather than waiting for me to return (which might not happen), it would be best for a clean separation.

    The only problem now is when people ask the question “Who are you, what do you do?”, I don’t have a clean answer. I think for many of us, a big part of identity comes through our job. I was talking with some people I just met at church a couple of weeks ago.  I was asked about myself. My immediate answer went to work, and it sounded awkward.  “Well, ah, I am trying to quit my job, but it hasn’t happened yet.”  Well, I have succeeded, so now what do I put on my “card”? Unemployed?  Stay-at-Home Dad?  In Transition?  Middle-Life Crisis Dude?  Grieving Windower?  Seeker?  Nothing really captures the full picture.  For the time being, I think “Stay-at-Home Dad” is the easiest for people to grasp and is the single biggest focus, but that is just one piece of the next year.

    Many people have asked me about my plans.  The short summary is that I am going to avoid “work” until 2013. We are blessed to be in a situation where doing this is not a financial strain.  In 2012 I am going to focus on taking care of Helen, taking care of myself, figuring out how to do all the things Libby used to do, and spend some time really exploring what I want to do in the second half of my life. Twice in the last eight years I tried to leave the high tech start-up world to do something radically different. Both times I found myself right back doing the same sorts of things I have been doing for years.  In 2013 what will I be doing?  Not sure yet.  I have a year to dream, explore, experiment. Could be I discover (as I have in the past) that I am made to do the work I have been doing all along and I find myself right back in the world of high tech start-ups with a new energy and renewed vision.  Then again, maybe it’s time for a change: maybe doing something with an NGO, some sort of full time ministry, or  back in school preparing for a completely different career. It’s a bit scary, but also exciting. Losing Libby has been very hard, but it’s also been an encouragement to spend the rest of my days doing things that I deeply love and believe in.  Kevin Kelly’s interview about living as if you only had six months has been a real challenge to me. I have been asking the question what if I knew I would only live 6 month, 1 year, 2 years.  What would I do?  How would it change my life?  I don’t have any definitive answers yet… but I am pretty sure at least a few things will change.

  • Exercise and Modern Society

    In the last few years I have not been taking care of myself.  Libby was often needing to go to treatment or a doctor’s appointment several times each week.  Adding one more trip seemed too much, so I just never got around to scheduling appointments with my doctor, dentist, etc. I wasn’t eating as well as I should. My backpacking trips drop to almost zero because I wasn’t comfortable leaving Libby for more than a day.  The only exercise I got was riding my bike to/from work.

    I have known that I should be taking better care of myself. There is good evidence about how diet effects both the quality and quantity of life.  There has also been a lot of research into the effects of exercise. There is a fascinating screen cast about how 30 minutes of walking makes a big difference in people’s health. Click the link because it’s really interested, and for some people, I hope life changing. There is Growing Evidence of Links Between Exercise and Mental Acuity. There is also well documented evidence that exercise helps control both depression and anxiety. I have seen some of these effects in my own life. I find my mind sharper after I have exercised and I feel more ready to face the day. Several years ago I developed a habit of taking 1-2 days personal retreats when life seemed to be getting away from me. These retreats would be solo backpacking trips where I was walking 20+ miles each day. This is a fairly significant physical workout. Often times, solutions to problems I have been struggling with for weeks would jump into my mind as I was walking. Part of this was likely the solitude, but I think the physical activity played a part in this as well.

    After Libby went home to her Lord, Helen made it very clear that I was to take care of myself because she had no desire to be an orphan. Her concern broke my heart and gave me the motivate to get serious.  I did a personal assessment and I realized I was in pretty poor shape. I decided I needed to visit my doctors and dentist, start eating better, lose some weight, and I really needed to get more exercise. I wanted to believe that my daily life provided me with enough exercise, but clearly it had not been working out. I hate the idea of exercise for exercise sake, but I have the need for some serious catch-up.

    So, for the first time in my life, I joined a gym.  I met one of their trainers and got a basic assessment.  I was in even worse shape that I realized. I learned that my scale at home was under reporting my weight by eight pounds. It’s going to be some serious work to get to where I should be.  As I surveyed the instruments of torture contained within the gym’s walls I realized I didn’t have any idea how to use the machines, and certainly no idea how to design a workout to get back into shape. I decided to sign up for several sessions with a trainer so I wouldn’t break myself.  I suppose I could use some iPhone app like iMuscle or GAIN, or follow something simple like Vic Magary’s minimalist fitnesss guide, but having a human being who could watch what I was doing seemed like a good idea.
    I have been going to the gym six days a week since the end of November.  The trainer has kept me pushing to my limits but not going so far that I break myself. There have been days that I am not sure that I could turn the steering wheel to drive the car home from the gym, or when I got home I wasn’t sure I could lift a glass filled with water to my mouth, but I was able to do these things.  I hope and pray that in several months I will be in reasonable enough shape that the gym won’t need to take up as much time and energy as it is right now. I can see progress: my heart no longer continues to race for tens of minutes after I stop exercising and I have dropped more than a percent of body fat. I have also noticed that I am feeling better, and it seems like it’s easier to concentrate. Maybe there is something to the healthy body / mind connection.
    Enter curmudgeon model… seem to have been doing that a lot in these recent blogs:

    When I was a kid I wasn’t into team sports, but I was active.  Yes, there was a lot of reading, building electronics, and hang out with friends, but I also walked or rode my bike as transportation, using manual tools to build things, climbed trees, and regularly went backpacking/climbing.  I wasn’t a jock, but I was fit.  Somehow all of those muscles are gone.  I suppose it was life getting more busy.  Well, that, and I dose of simple laziness. I also think a major contributor is that more and more life seems to be spent interacting with electronic devices rather than the real world.

    This has gotten me thinking about exercise in modern society.  Many of my coworkers regularly go to the gym just as I am now.  We pay for the privilege to do hard work.  Often times, we are doing this in somewhat dark smelly places, even before the sun has come up. Some of us go beyond that and pay someone to push us further and harder than we think we can go. I find myself imagining in a conversation with one of the jews from Moses’ time.  I tell them what I am doing and they say:


    אז תנו לי לקבל את זה מצר, אתה בוחר להיות עבד לאדון עבד במשך מספר שעות ביום.
    אתה לא צריך לעשות את זה. אז אתה נותן כסף כדי לעשות לך את זה השתגעת

    alright, maybe not that (any Hebrew I knew when I was 13 is completely gone), this was google translate attempt of going english -> hebrew from the text

    So let me get this strait, you are choosing to be a slave to a slavemaster for several hours a day.  You don’t have to do this.  You are giving them money to do this to you?  Are you crazy?

    There was a time than nearly everyone engaged in hard physical labor in the course of their daily lives. They didn’t have power tools, electric kitchen appliances, cars, etc. The day was spent moving.   Muscles got built from daily activities. People looked forward to when the hard labor would end, and they could rest. Often people dreams of jobs that didn’t require them to have to engage in such back breaking work.  These days, many of us spend our whole day of “work” sitting.  Maybe we get up and walk around the office a bit to talk with people.  Some people don’t bother doing this, Skype, Jabber, or AIM remove the need to move.  While we are sitting around our physical bodies are getting weaker and weaker.  When work is done can we enjoy our leisure?  Nope.  We now need to get through traffic (sitting in our cars) to get to a gym, where we pay for the freedom to exercise in the comfort of a gym.  Something seems a bit off here.

    I find myself wondering how we can back to lives that are more integrated and don’t have us sitting around so much. There are things like the sit/stand desks, but that doesn’t see enough to me. I don’t have any great ideas. Maybe something will come to me, or maybe one of you have some ideas.  Care to share?

    As for me, I am going to the gym for awhile. I have a Costco $319/2years membership to 24hour fitness.  The money has been spent, so I should take advantage of it, or it just goes to waste. If I had done a month to month membership it would have been easy to rationalizing quitting the gym after a couple of months “to save money”.  I have also resolved never to let myself get back into such an awful state but also not to let exercise get out of control. I have see many people who try to build strength beyond what is needed or their bodies could handle. Rather than getting healthier, they are limping around with injuries from their excercise. A good cautionary tale was just in the NYT about how yoga can wreck your body. Well, it’s off to the gym now for my next round of torture.

  • Romans 8 and Christmas Dinner

    In the last couple of weeks I have been thinking a lot about the Bible’s teaching about how we, as Christians are called to live.  I have spent a good bit of time looking at Romans 5-8.  At the core of this passage is our inability to be good or to do anything truly right on our own. Thankfully, God is at work… he forgives us, covers our sins, gives us a new nature, a new heart, a new source of power. This is completed work, though we often try to live as if we are in control and have the abilities in ourselves. When we try to do things from our own strength we will see failure as is described in Romans 7… the harder we try, the worse it is.

    Romans 8:6 says “For the mind set on the flesh is death, but the mind set of the spirit is life and peace”.  So what is the mind set on the flesh.  Is it planning to do bad things?  No, it’s much more. It’s reasoning from our own perspective, trying to control, trying to justify ourselves, trying to do life without God. It’s charting our own course, trying to fix things, make things ok.  Doing this always ends up in a mess.

    I have a couple of friends who have really been struggling with some hard issues.  They need to understand life in the spirit rather than the flesh.  I recently finished reading Becoming a True Spiritual Community by Larry Crabb which talked about how the community can embrace and love someone working through this.  Crabb talks about living in the downstairs (flesh) or upstairs (spirit).  Crabb’s book really encouraged me to come along side these friends.  I have been looking through the rest of our books, trying to find something that would be good for my friends to read, something that would help them to move from a “Yes, I have read Romans 5-8 100s of times” to understanding what they have read.  I know that just a book can’t make that happen, only God can, but often books can be used by God to break through.  Of the books we own, I found that The Normal Christian Life by Watchman Nee seemed to be the best, so I re-read it, to be sure it would be good for my friends as well as to grow my understanding.  I found The Normal Christian Life even better than when I first read it. I wonder if the first time I read it I was doing the “Check.  This is a doctrine I know” rather than letting it really challenge me and grow my understanding. I think it is the single best book I have read about Romans 5-8.

    Since I have been thinking about “life in the spirit -vs- flesh” so much,  I thought I was understanding it pretty well.  Christmas day came.  This is our first Christmas without Libby.  I was intent on doing as much as I could to keep up family traditions, to make the day as normal as I could for Helen.  Almost from the start of the day we were off track. Helen woke up late.  She decided to skip open stockings and go strait to breakfast. We did make waffles for breakfast, but she didn’t want anything else. After opening presents she was still tired and wanted to take a nap.  By the time Helen was up from her nap I was feeling pretty stressed. The minor issue was that while our tradition of going to the Redwood was still possible, but it was going to have to be Henry Cowell, not the preferred Muir Woods.

    The more difficult issue was that I was only going to have 1-1.5 hours to prepare a complicated dinner than I have never made before. I had been worrying about making this dinner for several days. We have a standard Christmas menu that Libby developed over the last 26 years.  Most of the recipes come from the Silver Palate Cookbook.  Not the most complicated recipes, but not simple: orange carrot soup, blueberry chicken, green beans with cashews & parsley, fresh bread, scallop potatoes, chocolate mousse.  Ack!  I couldn’t find the recipe for scallop potatoes, so I had to scramble and find something. Cook’s Illustrated came to my rescue with their 2005 holiday scallop potato recipe.  All of these recipes take a fair bit of labor.  I felt pressure to get to the cooking, but I really wanted to go to the redwoods.  So I push us out the door.  We got in the car and I stepped on the gas hard… maybe speeding the journey by a minute.

    On the drive I thought I had calmed down.  Helen and I started to talk about the week, what we were thinking about, what we had been doing. I was talking with Helen about some of the things I was seeing in Romans, and how I wanted to share them with a couple of friends who didn’t seem to be understanding how it worked.  They were still laboring under “the law” described in Romans 7… trying to fix things that they weren’t capable of fixing.

    Well… about half way through the drive Helen told me during the day I have gone from “Bad Dad” to “Worse Dad”.  Ouch! As we talked it became clear “bad dad” cared more about executing all the family traditions than he did how his precious daughter was feeling. “Worse dad” was getting angry at his daughter for standing between him and successful execution of his plans.  Ugh!!  Here I was, talking about how important the perspective in Romans was, while completely missing the point in my own life.  Rather than “the law” being something from the Bible, it was my list of expectations for Christmas.

    Thankfully, there was time to recover. Helen and I laughed about it. We had a great walk and talk among the redwoods.  While we were walking and then on the return drive I completely forgot about the need to make dinner, I wasn’t feeling any pressure.

    Once we got home I got to work.  The food prep went faster than it should have. We ended up having dinner on time. The meal turned out well.  Helen (and I) thought the the scalloped potatoes were better than any we had made before.. but how could they not be good with 3 cups of heavy cream. The only problem was that I forgot to half the chocolate mousse recipe.  This turned out to be a blessing.  I was able to take mousse for eight over to the Taylors, have enough for Helen and I, some of her friends, and another family of five. Christmas wasn’t the happiest day ever, but we were able to be content, and celebrate the birth of the most important person who ever lived.  Thank you God.

  • Hospitality

    A month or so ago, I learned that there were several homeless people who attend my church, PBC.  I was bowled over by this.  Not that people are homeless.  I know this is a reality.  What surprised me was that we had people who were part of our church community who did not want to be homeless but were.  I recognize that there are some people we can’t immediately help. Some are homeless because they are running away from things they must first turn and face, others are dealing with medical issues with no easy answers. My observation is that this is not the case with most of the people our church finds in our midst. Several of these people were responsibly employee a few months ago. Several I talked with were laid off due to a downsizing or a company closing down. They are looking for work, some have even found work, but in the mean time they were unable to pay their rent and are now living in their cars hoping to save up enough to rent a place.

    We can help address the issue of homelessness within our community. I am not expecting our church to fix this as an institution, but rather people who know these folks to open their homes, offering them use of a bathroom and a spare bedroom or at least a pad to sleep on.  Not everyone might be up to helping someone with the issues that put them on the street, but many of us are able to do something.  I have no way to know for certain, but I would guess that there are at least a couple hundred extra rooms in the homes of people in our church, and only tens of people who need a place.

    I am hopeful that as our church is more aware of the needs, that this will get addressed because I believe in our people, that they will love their neighbor and help.  But this seems to be a symptom of something gone wrong.

    Our church runs a summer leadership institute for young folks. Each year, a number of them need a home to stay in during the summer.  These are low maintenance  people who are a joy to be around.  They are exploring what God might have them do.  Can you think are a more exciting person to have join your household for a brief season.   It has certainly been a joy for our family to host students. Our only complaint is that they are so busy with their activities, that we saw less of the students than we would have like to. Inspite of how great it is to have these students, each year is takes time to find each of them housing.  I would have thought people would be fighting for the opportunity to have one of these students live with them.  I would have thought that housing would be addresses the first week the need was announced with the only trouble being that someone would have to  tell people they don’t get a student even though they want one, but that’s not what generally happens.  It takes weeks to find housing that will work.

    The more I think about, the more I think we have let our hospitality muscles weaken.  I wonder if part of this is that we set our expectations too high.  We think that unless we are Marta Stewart, serve gourmet meals, having the house perfectly clean and organized, we can’t have people over.  So we don’t share meals with people, we don’t open our homes and the community suffers.  I wonder though, if part of the problem is that we don’t recognize the important of community and we let our lives get consumed with busyness. That we don’t see how much more vital life is if we are sharing our meals, our time, our lives with other people, people who aren’t part of our immediate family.  Not just seeing people at weekly meetings, but daily.  I wonder if due to lack of exercise, our hearts have grown a bit weak.  If this is the case, maybe we need to start small.  Think of one act we could do each week.  Do that for awhile and see if God has us take another step, until our hearts are as big as Jesus’ heart.

    Ironically, I am finding my interest in hospitality some what at odds with my minimalist leaning.  On the one hand, I would love to live in a smaller place, have less furniture. Yet, if we are going to be hospitable, I need space to share.  It would be good to have an extra bed that can be offered up.  So along the path to a more minimalist life, I find our family deciding to add things in as well.  The most recent decision was to give away the futon in study (it’s a fine couch, but not so great to sleep on), and replace it with a comfortable bed so the room is a more welcoming and comfortable guest room.

    The topic of hospitality has historically been a very important practice in the church. Even in the mid-20th century, there were numerous books like  Open Heart, Open Home. For several decades it seems like the topic of hospitality has been at best, a back burner issue in most churches. I am encouraged though, It seems in some circles there is a re-awaking to the importance of hospitality and seeing the connection between our hearts and how we use our homes.

    I know there is a lot for me to learn about hospitality, but the best way to learn is practice, so that’s what I am trying to do. It would be good if I didn’t feel as stressed about cooking food for others, but I will get over this, and in the mean time, I don’t feel bad about bring carry out food rather than homemade when that is going to work better. I want to have a heart which is open and welcoming. This is a work in progress.  I pray that in a year I will have more thoughts than “Hospitality is important”, but right now that’s all I can offer. While hospitality often involves opening our homes for others, we can also provide hospitality to others by delivering meals.

    I believe hospitality is very important.  Jesus seemed to think this was important.

    Then the King will say to those on his right, ‘Come, you who are blessed by my Father; take your inheritance, the kingdom prepared for you since the creation of the world. For I was hungry and you gave me something to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me something to drink, I was a stranger and you invited me in, I needed clothes and you clothed me, I was sick and you looked after me, I was in prison and you came to visit me.’ “Then the righteous will answer him, ‘Lord, when did we see you hungry and feed you, or thirsty and give you something to drink? When did we see you a stranger and invite you in, or needing clothes and clothe you? When did we see you sick or in prison and go to visit you?’ “The King will reply, ‘I tell you the truth, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers of mine, you did for me.’

    Matthew 10

  • Gamification of Life

    Over the last few years I seen a growing interest in gamification of life.  There is part of me that wants to say the whole idea was silly.  Who needs their real life to be turned into a video game where you are accumulating points and badges. Shouldn’t we direct our lives based on results rather than some artificial scoring systems? Earning virtual points isn’t going to change behavior… or is it?

    I have been following work happening at places like the The Persuasive Technology Lab at Stanford that looks at how interaction with technology can change people’s thinking or behavior.  In the last few months I have seen in a small way how this can work out in my own life. I am convinced that we want to shape people by intrinsic rewards, not badges, but that the badges and scores can be good metrics which reveals an a clear manner project people are making.

    My family owns two cars.  A Prius and a Passat.  If you would have asked me a few months ago, I would have said that Passat is more fun to drive: it has better acceleration, better handling, more comfortable seats.   When I drive the Passat, I tend to push it a little bit.  Take the turns tight, accelerate hard when it’s safe, push to make lights.  I tend to drive in a mildly aggressive manner. My attitudes reflect my driving style.  I find that I am a bit impatient, wanting to go quickly, I get annoyed with drivers that are going more slowly than they need or seem indecisive.

    Prius has it’s own kind of fun.  Trying to get the best MPG score I can.  Now my Passat records mpg numbers as well, both average, and instantaneous… but these numbers don’t really help you maximize your milage.  The Prius though, will shown your accumulated score (mpg since the trip was resent – I do it after each fill up), it has a bar graph of current mpg, charge in the battery, and how much energy you are putting into (or taking out) of the drive system with a line indicating where the car will likely switch from running on battery to starting the gas engine and a second line indicating when you are switching from running the engine efficiently (eco) to burning fuel (full power). As I started to drive the Prius I noticed that I was trying maximize my mph score. I would accelerate more slowly.  I was paying more aware of how traffic was flowing to minimize the amount of braking I had to do, and worked to keep the braking in the range that the regenerative system would capture energy.  I found myself adjusting my speed on the road to maximize milage.  Rather than pushing to squeak through a light before it changed, I found myself considering fuel economy introduced by the light, that is, could I make it through the light on eco which would result in a better score than having to come to a complete stop.  I have also noticed that I am a bit more calm and patient, because “the game” rewards that.  Wow, it seems like both my behavior and attitude were being effected by having a score.  Of course, I told myself it was just about being economical and being a good stewart.  This is why I was driving the Prius rather than the Passat.

    Well… maybe not. One week I noticed my score was down to 40.2mpg, lower than my normal 45-48mpg score.  As the score stayed low and I watched the game time running out (fuel meter was approaching the half way mark) I knew that I needed to do something, or the score would be low when the game ended (next fill up). I found myself considering taking an unnecessary trip on the freeway so I could improve my score.  Oh my, I was caring more about the score than using resources wisely. I didn’t take the unnecessarily trip, but I was tempted to.  A note to designers: make sure you are instrumenting that right things, or you might discover you are encouraging the wrong behaviors.

    I now find myself wondering, am I driving the Prius because it is more economical, or because it’s fun and I am trying to get good scores?  Or maybe it just because it’s a nicer car with a sun roof and a plug for my iPhone. Every now and again I will express joy or sorrow at my score.  Helen laughs at me and says that she is going to get me a driving video game… but why would I need one?  I use one every day, and it gets me (and her) the places we need to go.  My just wish Toyota had the Prius record the top 10 scores like a good video game.  Even better, top score with any Prius’ in the neighborhood.  There would be plenty of players since Prius in our neighborhood are as common as pickup trucks in Texas.  My top score for a full tank of gas is 53.5mpg.  What’s yours?  🙂

  • Meeting God in the Empty Place – Turning Loneliness to Solitude

    Libby and I used to talk nearly every night.  Often for a couple of hours. The topics varied greatly: basic logistical issues, smoothing over relational friction, concerns weighing on our hearts, big ideas, silly dreams.  Honestly the topics almost didn’t matter, it was having someone to share life with.  It’s been three months since we had a good two way conversation. The last couple of weeks before Libby went home to God she wasn’t really up to talking.  More than anything, I miss those evening conversations.

    When Libby passed from this world it felt like a huge hole was ripped in my soul.  There was an emptiness.  For a week I was numb, but then I felt a huge hunger.  I wanted the hole to go away.  I wanted it to be filled up. I knew that that the emptiness wasn’t going to be filled anytime soon, but that didn’t make the desire, the longing any less.  Ironically, it took more than two months for me to recognize the emptiness has another name, loneliness.

    Each time I talk with someone, it seems like a small bit of the hole is filled in.  Just a shovel full of filling for a 500k sq ft building foundation. At this rate I will die of old age before the hole is fully filled, but after each interaction with someone I have a sense of hope.  That it won’t always hurt this much.  That the emptiness will someday be filled.

    Something more important has come to me though… I have found that I can sit in the emptiness.

    I don’t have to rush out and find someone to fill the hole, nor do I need to throw myself into activity to distract myself.  The emptiness is not pleasant, but it can be transformative.   I can see more clearly my longings. I can hear and seeing God a more clearly and God reveals what I truly believe, what’s in my heart. It’s only when the heart is revealed that healing and lasting change can happen.

    God is not filling the emptiness, but He is meeting me there.  In these moments, the loneliness is transformed into solitude.  No longer is the focus on what is lacking, but a time of looking with God’s eyes. I wish I have better words to describe it, but I don’t.  I can share one of the small ways I have see this change in the last week.  I am very aware of how much I miss Libby and how important community and relationships are.  I am particularly aware than I want to spend time with people who are comforting and encouraging. Even when I am not with these friends, I end up thinking about them.  Typically wondering if it would be ok to call them, or if I am going to make myself a pest by calling too frequently.  As I am pulled from loneliness to solitude, my focus chances.  Rather than being focused on my lack, the loneliness, I find myself thinking about how I can bless others, to love and serve them.  What are their needs, what is God doing in their lives, is there some way to be a blessing to them.  I am seeing God’s heart and it is changing me and I can feel at peace.  I am able to love, not because I hope to get something in return, but because I know that I am loved by God.

    I have wondered, if God is with me always, why do I feel lonely, why not a constant sense of peace.  Couldn’t God fill that hole Himself once and for all.  I think the answer is He could, but He won’t, because it won’t be good.  Partly because we need to sense the emptiness before we stop and turn toward Him.  But I don’t think that’s the only reason.  We were designed to be in relationship with God AND with other people.  We are made for community.  Desiring people in our lives is good. The mistake we make is to try and control how it happens, to arrange things so the hunger is fed rather than trust God to take care of us as we participate in community.

    We are called to follow Jesus’ example.  Choice to love and serve those around us.  Yes, we should welcome the companionship of others, even to ask for it, but ultimately, we have trust that the Lord will take care of us.  To live with open hands, welcoming God to works in our lives. Jesus was deeply involved with people.  He spent most of his waking hours with others.  He would also take time to withdraw, to find quiet times with His father.  But even with perfect commune with His Father, and empowered by the Spirit Jesus experience the difficulties of life just as we do.  We see him cry.  He experienced loneliness, lose, and pain. This used to be a mystery to me.  If you could see God clearly, wouldn’t everything be ok.  Wouldn’t seeing God’s goodness be like a fire that burns everything else away, leaving you in a state of constant awe: content, even happy?  The answer is no.  So long as we live in this broken world, there will be loneliness, pain, suffering, in a word, sorrow. It will be set right, but not yet.  Anyone who is responding to Lord will feel these things.  How could we not because things are not right.

    This is a painful season of life, but it is also exciting because I can see how my life is being changed. While I want the loneliness to end, the hunger to be sated, I find myself appreciating how loss is pull me toward God, and how the loneliness is being transformed into solitude. I believe that in time, much of the acute loneliness will pass, but I pray that the solitude that grows from it will never waver.

    Update 2011/12/30: I just realized that loneliness to solitude is the first section of Henri Nouwen’s excellent book Reach Out.  I would recommend checking this book out for a much clearly discussion of this transition.

  • Minimalism & Simplicity

    My father taught me the value of simplicity. He didn’t need to update an item if it was still working. He didn’t need to purchase something to impress others. Dad was suspicious of people who attacked problems with complicated solutions.  Complex solutions typically demonstrated that people were using the wrong paradigm.  He would often say that if you couldn’t explain something on a napkin or two then you most likely didn’t really understand an issue.

    I see the same thing in the spiritual realm. The heart of the Christian gospel is so simple, that we resist it, we are ashamed of it, or we want it to be more complicated so we can proudly master it.  I see this in myself, but I strive to hang onto the core, simple truths. Years ago, one of my teachers was at seminary.  He was proud and excited to be taking several advanced courses. He shared his schedule with friend also attending the seminary. His friend shared his schedule which included a remedial course on the doctrine of grace. My teacher was surprised and asked why his friend wasn’t taking the more advanced course.  His friend’s response humbled him “Because I can’t think of anything I would rather spend my time considering.  God’s grace is so tremendous.  I could spend hours reflecting on it.” We need to major in the important things.

    I have been reflecting a bit on a close relative of simplicity: minimalism.  Doing less, consuming less, owning less to focus on things that are more important.  There are a wide range of range of ways people embrace “minimalism”, I like Josh’s rational minimalism. Living in the “developed” world, it’s easy to get caught up with our culture which produces an almost unlimited hunger for more and more stuff which can choke out life.  People find themselves working harder and harder to maintain an extravagant lifestyle. My father’s influence has given me a slight tendency to be a minimalist, to hold onto only what’s important.  I have discovered how paring things down can improve the quality of life.  I found that minimizing what I pack on trips makes the journey easier and more rewarding. Likewise, I found that a minimalist approach to backpacking (a close relative of ultralight backpacking) can make trips more enjoyable and the task of preparing and packing easier.  I would like to be as ruthless in life at home.

    I have tried, with some small success, to live a minimalist life style. For years, I have been inclined to give things away that I am not using on the theory that there are people who could make better use of the objects, wanting to be a good stewart, though these days it goes a bit beyond that.  Libby would talk to objects (cars, pots, stuff animals) as if they were people… so now rather that seeing objects as just things to be use, and I can almost hear them calling to be used, to allow them to fulfill their purpose and calling.  Anyone who has seen the Toy Story movies can imagine this.  So if I am not using something, I can almost her the object calling out to be put in a situation where it will be loved and used.  Yet, I am far from minimalist today.

    Several years ago my family visited the ghost town in Bodie.  One of the things that struck me was how small the houses were.  Even the house for the town lawyer, one of the most prominent town members was small. Some of the homes were in the process of being restored, and repopulated with the objects that people who have likely owned.  What struck me was how little stuff people had.  There was no need for a large house, because it was mainly holding people, not things. Today, at least in the western world, our homes have become storerooms for our stuff.  The modern day bigger barn.  What was yesterday’s luxuries are quickly becoming today’s “necessities”.  We are consume more are more.  I doubt it is sustainable, or good stewardship.  Thankfully, I believe it is possible to get off the merry-go-round.

    While I believe it is possible for people to turn minimalism into a god which has no lasting value, I believe we are called to simpler lives.  I was challenged by The Minimalists 21 Day Journey.  If I was living alone I would likely have given it a shot, but I am not going to disrupt my child’s life right now, things are hard enough as they are.  But, we have been going through things and asking the questions “Are we using this?  Do we feel a deep attachment?”  If not, we are trying to find someone who would find better use of this object.

    I have been very challenged by I Tim 4:8, that with food and clothing, Paul was able to be content.  Today, I couldn’t be content with just those things, but I hope and prayer, that someday I will be.

  • The Value and Cost of Variety

    I like variety.  This shows up in  in the food I eat, the music I listen to, the books I read.  I enjoy when my world expands, to have new and different experiences. I believe there is a lot of good in this, and yet, I found myself wondering about the cost.  Less than 200 years ago life was much less mobile, there were far fewer occupations, and even fewer options for which occupation someone might have the opportunity to engage in.  The community you were part of was bound by geography without cars that greatly extend the geographic sphere one could regularly interact with.  The variety of “stuff” one could own was much smaller than it is today.  It might be a shock to some today, but people survived, some even thrived.  Do I wish to return to the 19th or earlier time.  No.  But I do wonder what we have lost in our variety filled world.

    This morning I woke up with the song Love is a Worth Cause by Sara Groves running through my mind, my heart.  It was a good way to wake up and it lifted my spirit. Waking up with a song on my lips has become somewhat common in the last few weeks.  The songs have varied a bit,  a few  other songs by Sara Grove and a number of classic Christmas hymns.  Why is this happening?  I think it is likely repetition, a parring down of variety.
    If I listened to all the music on our server eight hours per day, I could go more than half a year without hearing a single song repeated.  If I add in the possibilities from Spotify, Pandora, or the radio, the possibilities grow expotentially. In reality, I don’t listen to everything in our collection as one big shuffle.  My family found the jump between genres too jarring sometimes, so normally I am using a play list which excludes genre that are at the “extremes”, so we would go a mere two months without a repeat.  This is still a long time, meaning that it’s unlikely for any one song to have a significant impact.
    In the last few months I have generally not been listening to one of these large play lists.  Instead, I have constructed a couple of very short play lists.  One list is a collection of songs that have helped me grieve and/or see hope. The other is a list of Christmas songs.  Rather than thousands of songs, there are tens of songs.  Rather than hearing a song once every few months, I am hearing the same songs several times a day.
    I believe that the repetition is causing the songs to get lodged deeper in my heart and mind.  Once embedded, the songs have had an effect on my perspective, they have influenced my thinking. I am starting to think that music is food for the spirit and exercise for the heart.  When athletes are in training they tend to select healthy food, not junk food.  There is a careful selection of exercises to strengthen specific muscles, not just a random physical activities.  How much more important are our minds and our spiritual hearts.
    Going forward I am going to be more conscience of the music I ingest.  I will continue to enjoy a wide variety of music, in the same way that I enjoy eating chocolate mousse… a treat to enjoy but not part of every meal.  Likewise, while it’s important to engage in whole body exercise, there is a need to target specific muscles, to address weakness and build strength.  What’s the mix between broad playlists (potentially whole body workouts) and specific playlists which target needed areas?  I don’t know.  I suspect it will vary person to person, and depend on what season of life one is in, it is something that will have to be discovered, and as soon as you think you know the balance, it will be time to change again.  Seasons of discovery, seasons to consolidation. Today I am in a season of consolidation, where there is a need for more focus, and less variety. I find myself wondering what other things should be paired down.

  • Amplifiers

    I think the very best amplifiers are like wire with gain. That is, they add or take away nothing from the sound quality. They just boast the signal enough to drive the speakers. An amplifier that does this requires the source and speakers to be well matched. Often times, people will choice an amplifier that will “color” the sound to componsate for their speakers characteristics. For example, speakers which are known to be “bright” are often paired with a tube amplifier.

    One of the first question with amplification is whether you are going to use an integrated amplifier or separate components. The advantage with integrated amplifiers are they they tend to be less expensive and offer more value than equivalent separates. If you are spending less that $3000 on a system and don’t plan on playing the upgrade game, you should strongly consider using an integrated amplifier. The advantage of separates is that you have more flexibility and are able to update one piece at as time.

    If you aren’t familiar with electronic design, you might want to read the wikipedia article about electronic amplifiers. Most high quality pre-amps use a class A circuit design. Most power amplifiers are class A/B, the better ones are designed to be pure class A through normal listening levels and switch to class B when there is a need for a lot of power. Most companies don’t make class A amplifiers because they are less efficient (run hotter, use more electricity) and will be more expensive to build than an A/B amplifier of similar output power. On the other hand, it’s easier to design a clean class A amplifier. Most class A integrated or power amplifiers are expensive. It is possible to build low to moderate class A power amplifiers (say less than 20 watts) which are reasonably priced.

    The wikipedia article mentioned that there is something called a class D amplifiers. Class D amplifiers are more efficient than class A or A/B amplifiers. Until recently nearly all class D amplifiers were designed for efficiency and not for high fidelity. In recent years a number of decent class D amplifiers have hit the market. I predict that as more people figure out how to build high quality class D amplifiers, that we will see class A/B largely disappear from the mass market. Why?  The class D amplifiers don’t sound as good, but they are close enough while being cheaper, more compact and more power efficient. Welcome to the iPod generation where people don’t seem to care as much as audio fidelity. I expect that class A and A/B will only be found audiophile orient products in ten years.

    Now back (mostly) to conventional A and A/B designs. Amplifiers that I like

    • Exposure 2010S, – simple, minimal features, but you would have to spend at least twice this much to get as well rounded and good sounding amplifier.
    • Peachtree Integrated Amplifier. Lots of features, well though out. I think of this as the modern NAD 3020… a really good starter system.
    • Bluecircle I have heard good things about their integrated amps, but not listened to it myself.

    For less performant / expensive options I would suggest looking at  Rotel and NAD.  I would also recommend look at the used market. My favorite older amplifiers are the Classe’ CAP 80/100, Bryston B-60 SST (slightly updated Bryston B-60 is still made but overpriced), YBA Integre, Acurus DIA-100, and Krell KAV 300 (updated as the 400 and overpriced). Each of these integrated amps with extremely well built and provides extremely good sound quality. You could also look for one of the  for one of the The Ten Most Significant Amplifiers of All Time as selected by the TAS staff.

    It used to be that there were four good choices for moderately priced seperates at the high end of consumer electronics, or low end of audiophole: Rotel, Parasound with NAD and Adcom trailing slightly behind. Adcom seems to be history now. A newer company getting very good reviews is Emotiva. Their combination of some good designs, Chinese manufacturing, and direct marketing has produced some excellent products for the money. Several of the engineers at Martin Logan recommend them as a modestly priced amplfier.

    I was surprised how much of a difference the preamp can make. I found a great deal of difference between comparably priced preamps when doing blind A-B testing. I did not find that similarly priced power amplifiers varied as much as the preamps did. Ultimately, I discovered that the superior pre-amps where all discrete components using class A amplifier circuits. In recent years I have experimented with not using a pre-amp. Since my music is coming from a single source I have wondered if simplifying the signal path could result in better source. Not surprisingly, the answer depends on the source. In most cases, I found a good preamp significantly improved the sound quality when placed between a source and a power amplifier. One notable exception was the Lavry Black DA11 DAC. I found that I couldn’t tell the difference between the Lavry driving my power amplifier directly, or passing through a high quality pre-amp.

    Most of the power amps I tried sounded good.  There were only minor differences.  In 1993 I ended up selecting the Classe’ 70 because it sounded slightly better to me than the other amps with the Aerius, and because Classe’ has a reputation  for standing behind their product, it was one of the amps Martin Logan used in the lab with the Aerius, and I got a good deal on it.  After 19 years I had some problems with my Classe and ended up switching to a more powerful Chord SPM-1200 (the original version) which can deliver 250watts/channel @8ohms, 512watts @2ohms continuously, and can do more during peaks without distortion. 

  • Libby home with the Lord now

    Early this morning Libby went home to be with the Lord.  As in life, she was tenacious in her passing.  It was peaceful, but she fought to stay with us as long as she could.  We already miss her terribly, but are so glad that the suffering is done and that she will never have to cry again, or feel terrible pain.  For the last day U2’s “40” has been running through my head… though the phrase “how long” which isn’t from Psalm 40 is what I was fixated on.  This morning I read the full Psalm which both comforted me and intensified my grief.

    I waited patiently for the LORD;
    he turned to me and heard my cry.
    He lifted me out of the slimy pit,
    out of the mud and mire;
    he set my feet on a rock
    and gave me a firm place to stand.
    He put a new song in my mouth,
    a hymn of praise to our God.
    Many will see and fear the LORD
    and put their trust in him.
    Blessed is the one
    who trusts in the LORD,
    who does not look to the proud,
    to those who turn aside to false gods.
    Many, LORD my God,
    are the wonders you have done,
    the things you planned for us.
    None can compare with you;
    were I to speak and tell of your deeds,
    they would be too many to declare.
    Sacrifice and offering you did not desire—
    but my ears you have opened—
    burnt offerings and sin offerings you did not require.
    Then I said, “Here I am, I have come—
    it is written about me in the scroll.
    I desire to do your will, my God;
    your law is within my heart.”
    proclaim your saving acts in the great assembly;
    I do not seal my lips, LORD, as you know.
    I do not hide your righteousness in my heart;
    I speak of your faithfulness and your saving help.
    I do not conceal your love and your faithfulness
    from the great assembly.
    o not withhold your mercy from me, LORD;
    may your love and faithfulness always protect me.
    For troubles without number surround me;
    my sins have overtaken me, and I cannot see.
    They are more than the hairs of my head,
    and my heart fails within me.
    Be pleased to save me, LORD;
    come quickly, LORD, to help me.
    May all who want to take my life
    be put to shame and confusion;
    may all who desire my ruin
    be turned back in disgrace.
    May those who say to me, “Aha! Aha!”
    be appalled at their own shame.
    But may all who seek you
    rejoice and be glad in you;
    may those who long for your saving help always say,
    “The LORD is great!”
    But as for me, I am poor and needy;
    may the Lord think of me.
    You are my help and my deliverer;
    you are my God, do not delay.

    Psalm 40